Pandora's Box

"The god Prometheus stole fire from heaven to give to the human race, which originally consisted only of men. To punish humanity, the other gods created the first woman, the beautiful Pandora. As a gift, Zeus gave her a box, which she was told never to open. However, as soon as he was out of sight she took off the lid, and out swarmed all the troubles of the world, never to be recaptured. Only Hope was left in the box."

Today I'm going to tell you about a single day that changed my life trajectory forever. I'm going to tell you a lot of things today actually, but that is the centerpiece. It's going to start off rather heavy, but turns into what I hope is a very valuable lesson about much more than just trading.

I've started and stopped writing this post multiple times, but I think now over a year removed from it, the clarity and lessons I've extracted are too valuable to keep to myself. If you've been following me since my inception, you know I've always been very open and giving to the community. If I had anything worth sharing - I'd take the time to write out a detailed thoughtful blog post, and share it. Helping the trading community and being an asset was always a high priority for me, I believe strongly in giving back and sending the elevator back down if you're lucky enough to get up it. 

Today I'm going to outline the biggest loss of my trading career. How it affected me mentally, financially, emotionally, what I did wrong, what I did right, what I would have changed, what I wouldn't have, how I responded in the wake of this, how I began working through and fixing it, and what I'm doing today. 

While trading-focused in nature, the underlying lesson I hope you take away from this time in my life goes far beyond stocks and what we do here day in and day out in the markets - extending into a real life lesson and psycho-examination of your current situation. Some peace of mind, if nothing else. 

The $$ numbers in this post are not important. They can be extrapolated up or down and are directly applicable to you as well, whatever your account size may be. It's all relevant and a percentages game. Read with this in mind and how this lesson may benefit you as well.

Dramatic introduction complete, lets dive in.

In January of 2018, I took the biggest loss of my trading career on MDXG. I was short for over 5 weeks. In swing, and day trading, with an average price around the $11s mostly, at one point with well over 100,000 shares total. We knew what this thing was, we knew what was coming (eventually..) and I just couldn't get away from it. In hindsight this was red flag #1 - if you're trading something and you can already feel an emotional tie to the situation, dump it. Miss it. Not worth the potential of what can happen if things go awry, which they often do in the most "obvious" of trades. This stock got as low as $0.95 by the end of the year, and currently sits in the $4-5 range. This was supposed to be the trade that changed my life, and I let that get in the way of everything I knew and had learned about risk management and discipline in my now nearly 10 years trading. A few weeks after I was forced out for a massive loss, MDXG then got the death blow we knew was coming shortly after this, gapping down from 14 and closing the day in the 7s. 

I didn't keep too many records of this because quite honestly it just hurt too fucking bad to even look at it, but here are two little snapshots. This doesn't even come close to depicting the total final damage between multiple accounts, short interest on a large position size over a 5 week period, multiple smaller forced buy in's along the way - Wedbush and IB took shares back from me on multiple occasions in 2000-5000 share lots at a time that I'd just end up re-adding the next day. I remember seeing instant messages from one of my brokers trading staff first thing in the morning and without even clicking on it I already knew that they wanted. I didn't get a good nights sleep for weeks. We did that dance for about 3 weeks before the final blowout covers in the $15-16 range, and just so many things that turned this into the biggest charade of debauchery you could possibly imagine. All in hopes the pain would be worth it when that death drop showed up, little did I know we were going $6 higher before that happened a month later. I'd be at my desk at 4am every day, literally, probably 20 days straight - making sure nothing catastrophic was happening. I was losing my mind. I was numb to everything outside of trading at this time. Emotionally unavailable and fighting with my girlfriend, ignoring family and friends, it was bad. This is the potential reality of trading size. Everyone wants to do it, but be careful what you wish for. Doing this is opening Pandora's Box, and there are some things you need to know.  

Words cannot describe what this felt like, but I'll do my best to explain it. The reason I've never shared this story to this date has nothing to do with embarrassment, nothing to do with shame, there are people out there who are far better traders than I with horror stories much worse than this - I think it was more of a defense mechanism for me. This cut me so deep that I did everything in my power to try and block it out and not think about it. But that was the wrong approach. 

Let me back up for a moment though, this story doesn't begin with MDXG, there was a chain of events prior that led up to this trade. 

                          "Confidence is the food of the wise man, and the liquor of the fool"

Coming into the end of 2017, it was the best trading year of my life, I was killing it. Racking up so many green days it would make you think I was paper trading. I was so high up on my horse that I could hear the echos of "Space Oddity" blaring out of Elon's Tesla Roadster out in the fucking Cosmos somewhere.

Ground control to Major Tom... Though I'm past 100,000 shares, I'm feeling very still, and I think my spaceship knows which way to go. 

There's something wrong, can you hear me Major Tom. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on. The stars look very different today. 

Alright enough of the bad lyricism jokes. Towards the end of 2017 this was the beginning of the Bitcoin craze and the massive 19K run up, and our favorite Perennial Shitbags were out in full force, a la RIOT, MARA, DPW, XNET and friends. I was up well into the 6 figures in 2017 by this time, and I decided to open Pandora's Box of trading size because it seemed like a very rare opportunity with Bitcoin when total zero shit stocks went so absolutely crazy. I ended up getting involved in a trade on RIOT in late November that year, doing the add add add thing for a few days, and got myself in a huge hole on the trade going down nearly 6 figures red at the peak, held through it (with very little plan, red flag #2), and it ended up working out all the way back to nearly 6 figures green all said and done. It felt amazing. Again, words just cannot serve to describe the dopamine rush you get from doing something like that when you're not accustomed to it. Also, when a trade ends well, we are quick to dismiss it as "pshh..I knew it was gonna work" and that's the end of that. Often times our sloppy winners are the ones we should be examining the most. In reality, that RIOT trade albeit ending very green, was atrocious - and the precursor to the MDXG situation soon to come. 

I had opened Pandora's Box, and there was no closing it. After that RIOT trade, every other trade was just boring. I went through a very volatile period after this of pretty much 5 figure PnL swings daily for about a month. There was a point where I lost $21,000 in a day, made $25,000 the next, and didn't have the slightest emotions about either one. Never said a word to anyone about any of it. I just assumed it as "normal" after the RIOT situation I went though, that a close friend Eric Wood  helped talk me though. I called him in a panic two or three times I believe in the middle of that swing, and we got through that trade together. But I was so badly craving the next opportunity to throw size at something and generate another massive profit. Enter MDXG in early 2018, and you saw part of the result of that above. This wasn't a complete blow up, but it eliminated about 75% of my  trading capital at the time, and there's really no excuse for that, ever. So I"ll leave it there for the moment, and get into what this did to me and how I've dealt with it since.

The immediate aftermath consisted of not trading for nearly 6 weeks. The shell shock was so strong I just couldn't bring myself to sit back down and trade again with a clear head. In hindsight, this was probably the wrong approach to take so much time off. When you take a break to "clear your head", you're essentially doing the opposite - just filling it with all the coulda woulda shoulda's of the situation and really making things worse. So for the first lesson of this post, my advice would be that if you do experience a massive loss, don't take too much time off. It really doesn't do any good, even if it seems like it should in theory. There is certainly no easy solution to this, but if you can somehow find a way to get right back in the saddle, I think that's the way to do it, and what I wish I did. The period of time I took off led me down some very dark paths. I was drinking heavily, had horrible thoughts, never suicidal or anything like that but I didn't feel like I had all that much to live for, and just nothing positive entered my brain for a very long time. These 6 weeks however, while excruciatingly painful, led me down other paths of thought too, good thought. I'm an intelligent person, which I had to remind myself of many times over after that situation unfolded, and I got to doing what I do best, thinking.  

The first question I began search for answers at was...well what the hell am I actually even doing? What's going on here, and what is the endgame? This question after a few weeks of pondering brought me to the solution that I wasn't doing much of anything. Chasing money. But why? And for what? 

Money is important. Anyone who tells you it's not is pretty silly in my opinion. I mean if you're a pure minimalist and can live in a log cabin with your dog out in the middle of nowhere and hunt and live a nomad lifestyle with no material possessions, I guess more power to you. Have fun. However, this describes a subset of a subset of the population, and for the other 99.9% of us, money is extremely important. It opens doors and networks, turns situations from "No's" into Yes's", and while it doesn't directly correlate to happiness, it allows us the freedom to exercise whatever creative pathways we want to get us to that end goal of happiness more times than not. 

I continued to think further, especially about that period of time at the end of 2017 starting with RIOT and the emotional roller coaster of insanity that ensued, and my question was, "was I happy?" And the answer was no. Fuck. No.Not even close. I was absolutely miserable. Even after the RIOT win, the high lasted for a day or two, then it was gone, and back to aggravating up down up down up down days, and it was just highly stressful and not enjoyable. Like a drug addict chasing a high, it's never as good as the first hit, and you're chasing a dragon that is always just out of reach.  

The moral of the story is this. If you are considering "leveling up" in your trading...understand what you are getting yourself into. Control. Your. Risk. Exposure. Control. Your. Risk. Exposure. Control. Your. Risk. Exposure. Always. Once you open Pandora's Box, it's open for good. Trading smaller will never be the same or good enough, and you'll have to work EXTREMELY hard on reverting your mentality to a more responsible level. For me it took over a year. I'm back in a good place now, but I completely fucked myself for a very long time. If you do experience a big loss - DON'T try and make it all up quickly. Do your absolute best to compartmentalize the situation and realize it was a slow walk up to get where you were, and it's going to be another slow walk to recoup that loss, even though you took the stairs up and the elevator down. You can't take it back up.

There is nothing wrong with trading smaller. Keeping stress levels down, discipline up, and slowly, consistently rowing your way to some nice money. That's the best way to trade in my opinion, that's how I built to begin with, and how I should have continued to stay - and it's the way I now trade again, it's much more pleasant. No size anymore, ever. Again not telling you not to do it, just be very careful. Things change quickly if you think that's the next step. Know the deal.

Please take your time, do not try to run before you're even walking yet for MULTIPLE years of successful track records, and know you are always seconds away from disaster no matter how good you think you are. Nobody is immune to this. If someone tells you they've never done something so stupid it's almost unimaginable at some point in their trading career, they're lying to you.  

This is the truth. 

Alright....enough of my debacle. Let's offer some constructive advice now & answer some questions. So where have I been lately and what am I doing today? Glad you asked. I'll answer that and some other things now.

Are you still trading? Yes I am. I have one active day trading account I keep just comfortably above PDT where I strongly control my size to stay in practice, trading by myself in silence for the most part. 

Are you still trading full time? No I am not. I'm here every day for periods of the session, but actually at my desk trading all day 1 or 2 days a week at the moment, 3 if I'm really lucky, but continually monitoring the market as always and putting ideas out there for you guys every night. 

What's going on the other days? I'm in the middle of opening a business. After MDXG, I was not the same trader. I took the 6 weeks off then got back to trading for about another year, bringing us into early 2019. I was sort of in a perpetual cycle of up and down, wheels spinning, I didn't have the mental wherewithal I was accustomed to possessing in the past, and I knew it. I was in denial more than anything for most of  2018 and early 2019. Which brings me to the second major lesson of this post. 

If you are doing something that is not working - stop fucking doing it. Just stop. If you want to short sell smallcaps because you think that's "cool" or "makes a lot of sense" ,but you suck at it and always get squeezed out, then stop doing it. Try going long. If you're trying to go long and stocks always dump on you, maybe you suck at that. Consider becoming a short seller. If you're losing on both sides of trades, maybe you should just stop trading altogether. I don't know, I'm oversimplifying it, but you get the idea. Sounds simple, but most do not follow this rule. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Don't get me wrong - don't give up too easily, but also call a spade a spade after a certain amount of time. Trading can draw you away from reality and lead you to justify things in your head that aren't justifiable - don't go down that rabbit hole. If you're trying to force trading to work when you're not in an ideal situation to do so, for whatever reason, put the pipe dream down and be a man, and stop looking for the easy way out thinking you're a few button clicks away from a great life. Address the situation head on, get your life in order elsewhere, and then return to trading when your situation affords it and you're in a better mental state. Don't force something that's not there. And only you know the answer to that.

What I was doing in 2018 and early 2019 wasn't working. So I stopped doing it. I decided to put full-time, everyday trading to the side, and focus on something else - starting a business, for a few reasons which I'll get into now.

The most obvious reason being - what I was doing simply wasn't working for me at the time. I had trading capital and I wasn't broke by any means, but it just felt different. Again, maybe it was the stage in my life I'm at now - when I started I was a 21 year old kid without a care in the world about responsibilities or worry - and I had that "fuck you" attitude and killer instinct - where I was responsible with my money and risk, yet willing to gamble and go all in on very educated guesses and proper predetermined plans and stop points(can't stress that enough), and wasn't doing anything above my means. At my current age - I'm 30 years old, and looking to get married and start a family soon - I just didn't have the same killer instinct I did when I started, I'm in a different situation now with a lot more responsibility on my shoulders.

I decided to count my blessings, and take the majority of the money I've made, and start a business - which I can truly say is one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Why is it the best thing I've ever done for myself? Great question. Here's why.

I've created balance in my life. I'm not sitting at a desk for 16 hours a day anymore. I'm up, I'm active, I'm talking to people, my nutrition and life choices are better, I feel better, I'm fostering relationships, creating an atmosphere that allows for trading and "real life", as I like to call it. (Because we all know as traders that's not exactly real life. If you had to explain what you do to any sane normal person they'd look at you like you had 10 heads).

You need momentum in your life. Things have to keep moving forward, or else you'll become unhappy. I had that for a while in trading, but it got to a point where it's the same thing every day, and you say "well what am I even doing?"

I enjoyed this article about how monotony or chasing goals without purpose/endgames can be a detriment to your health. It's interesting. 

https://www.businessinsider.com/psychology-of-success-why-billionaires-get-depressed-2014-9

I love trading. It's my first love, and will be my last. I'll trade until the day I die, because I love the sport of out thinking retail and shady smallcap companies and I take pride in knowing their game and being able to profit from it. I love it. However, for me at least, I needed more from my life than pressing buttons at a desk all day. This is not to say you'll feel the same, but if you relate to what I'm saying at all, then you get it. It's an "if you know..you know" deal. 

Starting a business (for me) has revamped my soul, to where I am accomplishing new tasks and learning new things again every day. Completing tasks, and not living in a world of monotony. So what I realized, again I can't speak for everyone - but what I realized, is that trading fits a role in my life, and nothing more. It is NOT my life, it is a part of my life. If you make it your entire life, you're likely to be rather unhappy. At least from the people I've spoke to, and from observing people I highly respect in this game - most of them have other things going on in their lives. Other sources of revenue, other projects, whatever it may be - but they don't just "trade trade trade trade trade" as an identity and rely on it as their sole source of income. And I think that's extremely important to obtain in order to remain happy and having that constant momentum in your life. 

I know literally no one who "started out trading, only trades, and that's their life" and are happy people. It's just a near impossible situation to ascertain or even fathom. I'm sure they exist, and more power to them, but that won't be the path most of us go down. 

I'm getting long winded now as usual, so the message is this. Find meaning in your life. Don't treat trading as an endgame. It's simply a means to an end, a way to accrue financial success in a relatively short amount of time, which I was fortunate enough to do, but once you get there - do something with your money. Become an actual "investor" in something if Entrepreneurship isn't your style and starting your own business - do something. Whatever you deem appropriate for you. But have a "next step" always - creating new goals and challenges in your life is paramount to true happiness, is what I've realized. 

Trading is an incredible wealth building tool if you do it right. If you are fortunate enough to do well at it - I strongly, strongly consider cashing some of that out at some point and starting something else for yourself. The markets are not going anywhere - if trading is all you have to look forward to every day for the rest of your life, you probably won't be a very happy individual. I can't speak for everyone of course, but for the majority - I would venture to assume that's the path you'll end up at eventually. There has to be more. 

Trade because you love it. Not because you need it. 

So for what's next? As mentioned earlier I am in the process of starting a business and generating a steady stream of passive, reliable income. So one day in the future I can look my girlfriends parents in the eyes and confidently say that I can provide for their daughter and that I'm not just an educated gambler on the Nasdaq Playground. I'm old school, but that's something that's very important to me, and it should be to you as well if you're in a similar situation, or trying to reach such a place. 

I trade now when I can, when I have free time, because I love it. Not because I need it. I fell in love with trading a long time ago, and she'll be my love until the day I die. But I also have realized there is more to life than this. 

So that's really what I wanted to convey in this post. First and foremost - be careful what you wish for when you think about sizing up - it's a dangerous game and a hard lid to put back on once you take it off. Not saying don't do it - just think first about what you're doing and if you're really ready. And secondly - if you do find success - get yourself involved in something else as soon as possible if not already. This will bring you further meaning in your life, it will give you other goals to accomplish, and I know I can speak for me personally - it will bring you much greater meaning in this pursuit of happiness we're all on.

If you're passionate about trading - great. Put your goddamn heart and soul into it until you bleed and not a penny less. Today is the youngest you'll ever be, make it count. If you're going to do something, do it right. But please, CONTROL YOUR RISK MANAGEMENT FIRST AND FOREMOST. Make some money, and then make your money go out and make you more money. Then trade for the love of the game - the reason most of us true warriors got into this to begin with. All the ones who got into this as a "quick way to get rich" are already gone. Don't let that be you. 

This is the last blog I'll write for a while, if not the last period. I hope this was helpful. If you're new to my blog, I encourage you to go back and read through all my old posts and listen to my audio versions of them. I've divulged just about everything I've ever learned in this game over 10 years in these contents - check them out if you'd like. 

Be well & happy trading - you can always find me in Investors Underground, and I sincerely wish you all the best of luck and great success in both the markets and your life moving forward.

- D